What kind of Grey Girl are you?

My old clothes look wrong.

What I mean is that the things I used to wear for work were picked with black hair in mind. Not only to complement the colour but to "collude" with the colour. I had a particular image of myself and the black hair was part of it. The clothes I wore were part of the same image.

But now my hair is grey. It's a different image. It says something. Yup. My hair is speaking for me.

So I realised that I needed to change my style to reflect what my hair is saying. (If you think this is weird, just imagine giving yourself a radically different style hair or, more one for the guys, growing a wacky style of facial hair, and then imagine continuing to wear the same clothes as now...Your hair and your clothes would conflict. You might like that contrast but it would be a contrast that did not exist before you radically changed your coiffure. It would be new. Your hair would have spoken for you).

Granny Hair

Granny Hair
One look you can go for is the "I've let myself go, I wear bed jackets now and shuffle about in slippers all day complaining about the young people". When I originally told people I was going to let my colour grow out I think some of them thought this is what I had in mind. But while I don't judge those who've decided to go this route, it was never on my list of options.

Devil Wears Grey

Devil Wears Grey
A far more popular option is to go sharp and slick, like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. It's a lot of black, a touch of animal print, great shoes and bags and a sharp hair style. Curly hair is never going to be sharp. So The Devil Wears Grey look isn't for me.

Grey Hippy

Grey Hippy
A contender is the hippy look. Take a lot of hemp-based fabric, a tonne of beads and bangles, something a bit weird like a waistcoat or those trousers where the gusset hangs lower than your knees and zero makeup and you've got the basis of A Look. This is cool for me at festivals but won't work for work so it's never going to be my uniform.

Glamour Grey

Glamour Grey

This is a fab look. Similar to the Devil Wears Grey but less severe, this is a classic look - great slacks,  perfect make-up, big hair. It's rich and timeless and chic. So nothing like me then. Moving on...

Wild Grey

Wild Grey

Love this look. It says "I'm grey and I don't give a flying fig what you think about me. I will wear hot pink, I will wear statement t-shirts, I will wear massive orange glasses, I will add mohair and head-dresses and a massive ring made of green glass and I will buy it all from vintage shops, Oxfam and flea markets". As an emerging clothing upcycler, there are bits of this look I'm incorporating - upcycled denim jacket adorned with lace and gems, headscarves, bits of costume jewellery. But you won't catch me in pink mohair much as I admire those who are bold enough to adopt this style. 

Mirren Grey

Mirren Grey

Now we're getting close. Helen Mirren is such a cool dude. She can be glam one day and a punk the next. She wears what she fancies but always seems to stay true to who she is. Increasingly I'm looking to people like Mirren for my fashion inspiration - a bit of leather, a broken down t-shirt, a big coat and a "don't even think about it" look in my eye. The Mirren Grey isn't old or ageing, it's maturing like a great cheese or a fancy bottle of red. It just gets better and better...and it knows it!

Rocker Grey

Rocker Grey

This is my number one choice. Grey hair and the rock chick look are a natural combination. There's something inherently rock and roll for me about grey hair - it is counter-culture, individual, jump on your Harley and drive very slowly through some dusty town. Denim looks great with grey as do t-shirts especially rock band and tour t-shirts a la Mirren). The rocker look is strident and confident. Nothing "little old lady" about it. And it is authentic. In my teens and 20s I sang in rock bands, I'm a massive music fan and I still turn the volume right up on the radio and rock out when Blondie comes on. The great thing about this look is you can turn the volume up or down on it too - t-shirt and blazer for work, t-shirt and leather for after work; natural make-up for day, heavy eyeliner for night; your best jeans for meetings, your ripped jeans for the pub. 

Of course, you don't have to choose a look. You can wear what you've always worn. You can mix and match between the styles here and any others you like. And that's what's happening to me - I have hippy days and rock days and nondescript days where I wouldn't even want to give my "look" a name.

But Grey Hair is liberating. It's telling the world something about what's important to you, who you really are inside. Rather than your hair being a mask, your hair becomes a true expression of your self. Might as well enjoy wearing clothes that do the same thing.

Walking in to rooms with transitioning hair...

Hi folks!

I'm 4 months in to the transition now so I'm getting used to the fact that I look like a tabby cat - a bit grey, a bit brown, a bit black. But while I've had a chance to get used to it, many people have not.

In my job I have to walk in to a lot of rooms filled with people I don't know or people I haven't seen in a long time.

And this presents me with a dilemma. Do I explain what's going on with my hair or don't I?

Here's what I'm doing so far -

With a new crowd e.g. the audience at one of my speeches, or a team I'm working with for the first time, I say nothing. Of course, in my head I've got a lot of chatter going on. "Do they think I'm weird? Do they think I've let myself go? Do they think I look terrible? Do they think I somehow don't realise what's going on up there, that I have somehow failed to notice?"

But aloud I say nothing.

With people I do know but haven't seen for a while, I ask them what they think. This has been interesting. One girl said "Why? Have you done something different?". One guy told me he liked it but he'd need to get used to me looking so different. Another told me he liked the grey but the style made me look like a teacher. I told him to stay behind after and see me.

And occasionally people will be upfront and ask me about it before I've decided whether to say something or not. My neighbour asked me if I was letting it grow out and then confided that maybe she would as well as she loved the way it looked on me so much that it was giving her ideas!

I also have the issue with "false advertising". My photos are all over the internet. You can check if you like. Google me.

And in all of them I have dark hair.

Then I turn up to an event and I look like this -

Me this morning with my hair in a side "bun"

I feel like one of those people who post a photo of themselves 20 years younger on a dating website and when they turn up on the date are unrecognisable. It's not that I'm ashamed, I just haven't got around to having new photos done. But that's about to change. A photographer has been booked so I'm going to be out of the closet very soon ONLINE! Meanwhile though, I will have to try to avoid the searching looks people give me when they cross-reference my biog photo with what stands before them.

There is an upside though. Many people worry about looking older with grey hair. And that crosses my mind too. Is it weird to wear my hair as I am today in a bun on the side of my head like a kooky kid? Should I go more "Judy Dench"? Well, I have no plans to do that. But at the same time, I wonder if my hair colour gives me gravitas? As a short person (5'1" or 5'2" on a good day with heels!) I often feel colleagues and clients towering above me and wonder if, somehow, this undermines what I have to say.

But the grey hair seems to balance that out. I'm not a little girl speaking, I'm a little woman. Over the last few months I've felt even braver about being direct and straight-speaking (and I was pretty brave before!). There are no excuses not to now.

I mean, if you don't feel self-confident about having your voice heard by the time you are going grey, when are you going to? 

It shouldn't require going grey to create this kind of confidence, of course. There's no reason not to be confident in yourself when you are young, and there's no reason to lack confidence just because you are short...or tall...or a woman...or [insert your own insecurity here]...

But sometimes our bodies remind us that none of us is getting younger. We can see that as a tragedy or we can see it as a gift. It's easy to forget how far you've come, how much you've been through, how much you've learned. But if a few grey hairs (or a head full of grey hairs) remind you and give you the strength to go out in to a room believing you have something to offer, then you might as well use it to your advantage.

I know I am!
  

Bad Hair Day

On every journey there is a moment at which you accept the call to adventure - you take a bold action from which there is no going back. Well, you can often go back but there would be consequences, even if those are just having to admit to others that you chickened out.

Shortly after accepting the call to adventure you want to go back though. It always happens. Just think about any change you've undertaken. There's always that moment of regret - "What have I done?". It's what Joseph Campbell called The Belly of the Whale. When we accept the call to adventure we don't really know what we are accepting. By its nature, the journey is one in to the unknown. If we knew what to expect it wouldn't be much of an adventure.

So, we soon come up against the first major, unforeseen challenge.

I had mine last week.

As you probably know, I make my living in part out of speaking about leadership. This means that, every week, a different audience see me for the first time. Sometimes they've seen my publicity photos, in which I am dark haired.  But whether they have or haven't, I now turn up with a great big grey patch on the top of my head.

Whether they are expecting it or not, it's quite clearly there.

I've been wearing it like this, pulled off my face, as it seemed until recently like the most flattering option. But I don't much like this style. I like my hair big and curly, not slicked back. And the grey is at a funny length. Clearly intentional now but still at a very early stage. Anyway, I felt very self-conscious last week and I was contemplating going to the hairdresser and getting a tonne of it cut off. It would still be largely black but I would be able to wear it loose and maybe it would look better.

But before taking such a dramatic decision I consulted the experts. I've joined a Facebook group called Gray and Proud (form a fist everyone, punch the air and shout "Gray Pride"!). Everyone there is going grey or is already grey. They talk about their experiences and offer advice and support to each other. Some have gone for the buzz cut approach (just whip all the coloured hair off upfront and then grow through the rest completely from the roots). Others have gone short but not THAT short. And others have kept it long and slowly grown the grey longer and longer without really changing the style dramatically.

I explained my situation. I explained how long it had taken me to get the hair long and how transitioning to grey was something I had anticipated, but getting used to having short hair might be a transition too far. I also explained how important it is that I make a good, professional impression.

The feedback was hugely varied. Everyone had different ideas and different approaches. Above all though everyone was kind and encouraging. Unlike some social media groups, this group has never, that I've noticed, been unkind or unsupportive to anyone.

Having read the replies and taken notice of my gut feel responses I decided not to cut it all off. Instead I will have some trimmed off and give the roots 6 months to really take hold. Then I will consider whether to take the length a bit shorter.

In the meantime I also checked Pinterest and saw some different ways of styling it now the greys are that much longer. With every changing root length I will need to adapt. What looked good at 1 month doesn't look good at 2 months.

From a more philosophical perspective though here are some observations -

1. Any change puts us, at some point, in the belly of the whale. The best way out is to seek input and support from allies - friends, aquaintances, experts - who will be kind yet honest.
2. While the direction of travel doesn't change, the strategy to get there will need to adapt over time. Sometimes a radical change in strategy might seem like the best approach, but often just a little shift left or right of your original plans is enough.
3. Others have gone before you. Take inspiration from them. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Don't be afraid to copy others if their circumstances and yours are similar.
4. This too will pass. A day or two later, having adjusted the position of my parting, I was happy again and proud of my lovely silver roots.

Keep going with whatever change you are currently undertaking. And always remember - you don't have to do this alone.

Product review - Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie

I love products. In fact, I have so many that I'm having a man come around and build me more storage for them.

But I only use a few. Up until recently I used L'Oreal Curl Power mousse but they stopped making it. Now you can buy it on the black market for about £30 a pop. I have indulged but it isn't a long term solution.

Anyway, I've found a replacement. And it's this -

My new favourite hair product

It's totally different to a mousse. It's like putting conditioner on dry/damp hair. It feels wrong. And it smells a bit weird. Some people say they like the smell but I think it's a bit pukey. Don't let that put you off though! It doesn't smell like that when it's on your hair, just when it's a big lump in the palm of your hand.

I rub it between my palms and then apply it thinly all over the hair, especially the ends. Then I start twirling the hair to make riglets. I then leave it to dry.

Once it's pretty dry I either run my fingers through the hair to break up the curls a bit or blast it with the hairdryer. The curls stay lovely and defined but the main thing is that the hair doesn't frizz up. With mousse, the more you touch the hair during the day the more it gets frizzy and dry. It goes rather stiff in fact and loses it's bounce.

But with this smoothie it stays bouncy and soft all day. I think the general condition of my hair is better as a result of using this product which I can't say about most styling products.

I should point out that it was recommended by Lauren at How Bourgeois. I do pretty much everything she says so it doesn't surprise me that this is a brilliant product if you are curly, and probably if you are also curly and grey. Grey hair needs moisture and this thing seems to moisturize it all day. Must be good. It's also made with natural ingredients so if you are not dying your hair because you are worried about chemicals, it gets points here too.

If you've used this product and want to add your opinions, please go ahead. And if you have alternatives, let me know. I can add them to the pile of things to go in the new storage unit!

I am officially obsessed!

I looked in a mirror about 15 times yesterday evening. Any excuse to go in to the hall or downstairs WC was taken advantage off for a quick look-see at my hair.

Apparently no one else really notices the sparkly silver roots that are all over the top of my head and around the sides. However, their appearance has caused me to purchase 5 headbands, 6 new hair clips, 2 new hair styling products and to experiment with a variety of new hair dos (and don'ts).

Little sparkly roots...see?

I know that the novelty will wear off - probably the longer my roots get the shorter my patience with this topic will get - but for now it is my obsession. I scour Pinterest every evening looking for more silver vixens, I research what colours will look good with different types of grey hair, I look at women (and men) in the street who are grey or going grey and wonder how they decided and when they decided or whether they didn't decide and are just having a few weeks of feeling slummy.

I watched a video yesterday about a women who has written a book about going grey and reflected that she didn't really look grey, and how I hope after all this preparation and blogging and purchasing of products I am VERY grey underneath. Otherwise it's all a bit of a let down.

And now I am blogging about the fact that very little is happening as a way of making it feel like something is happening.

I'm a go-getter (I think that's what they call people like me. I'm also can-do. And a control freak. I'm basically your biggest nightmare). So when I decide to do something I do it. But you can't make your hair grow any faster than it's going to grow. I'm sure there is food you can eat and supplements you can take but fundamentally hair does its own thing and it does it very slowly.

My boyfriend observed that my excitement about my sprigs of grey was akin to the excitement you get when you notice that your seeds have sprouted in the garden. You put them in the ground, you watered them but a part of you never really believed that anything was going to happen. Then, one day, you went outside and their little heads were peeping above the earth, still wearing their little seed-head hats and you thought how amazing it was and how fantastic you were for making that happen (even though you did very little except add water).

The difference is that every time you look at your seedlings they are bigger. They have 2 leaves, then 4. Then you don't check them for a couple of days and they grow huge while your back is turned. Often, within weeks, you have something with a flower or a leaf you can eat.

But my hair will take months if not years to bear fruit (if you can excuse the analogy). And I can't imagine that a couple of days will go by without me looking at it only to be hit with the surprise about how much it has grown. Not if I keep checking the mirror every half an hour anyway.

The life lesson here is probably something to do with patience, something to do with letting go of needing to control and direct everything, letting go of the belief that my sheer force of will can make something happen faster than nature desires. And maybe it's too soon to take lessons from it. In plant terms I've still got my little seed-head hat on. And, until there's really something to see here I should probably find myself a better hobby than checking the mirror.

Dying your hair doesn't mean you aren't going to die...

At dinner with a client the other night I revealed my age. The response came back "I never would have guessed! Really. You look a lot younger!"

Of course it's a lovely thing to say. But it's also probably true to an extent.

Most women in their mid-40s actually look wonderful these days. It's very hard to tell someone's age. We are healthy and vibrant and fulfilled in our lives and our work. We have had relatively easy lives compared with our grandparents and great grandparents. We've worked in offices and had mod cons to help us around the house rather than doing tough physical work all day and night. So our hands are nice, are faces are pretty smooth and our bodies aren't wrecked.

This is what I wore to dinner - a headband to cover my emerging greys -

Oh, I'm 45.

Yes, I'm a bit puffy under the eyes! But you know what really helps me look younger than my age (and helps many women in their 40s)?

Hair dye.

So here's the thought that went through my head when I was told I looked young:

"People are going to stop saying that soon".

Because dark hair is associated with youth whilst grey hair is associated with old age.

I must admit I had a wobble. Am I prepared for no one to ever tell me I look younger than my age again? (Or until I'm a glamorous 65 years old silver vixen who looks like a glamorous 60 year old silver vixen!)

But then I had another thought:

"Why is looking young the compliment we desire above all else? Why is it more important than looking wise? Or credible? Or bold and brave?"

I thought of going back to dying my hair in order to look younger and rejected it immediately. I may look younger with dark hair but I'm not younger. I'm 45. I love my life. I'm happier now than I ever was at 40 or 35 and certainly happier than I was at 25. I prefer who I am now. And that's happened because of the lesson's I've learned from life. Why would I want to look as if I hadn't had long enough to learn those lessons?

I'm certainly not the first to make the observation that we live in a society obsessed with youth. But just because you look younger, doesn't mean you are younger. You're not any further away from death just because you dye your hair. Dying your hair doesn't mean you aren't going to die.  

Far more important than looking young, for me, is looking like I feel; expressing who I am through what I wear. I am out-going, positive, independent and pretty cool. My "look" should be out-going, positive, independent and pretty cool. If that means I go grey and then put a purple stripe in my hair because that feels authentic, so be it. But trying to convince the world that I'm younger than I am feels like a lot of energy directed in the wrong place.

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!" - Hunter S Thompson

 

Dearly De-parted

I know it's awful. This is what I saw in the mirror this morning.

No, I'm not going bald (on top of everything else!). That is my "skunk stripe".

In a way, I'm pleased. It's started. In another way, you can see just how much contrast there is between my dark, dyed hair and the real colour.

So I need to get experimenting.

The first step, I think, is to get rid of the parting. That's just highlighting The Area. So I've tried a couple of styles today all related to pulling the hair back.

Curly hair is different to straight hair. You can't play with it. If you touch it too much, move it this way and that, try new things all at one go you end up looking like a poodle. It gets frizzy, the curls break down, the shine disappears and it's impossible to do anything with it. The only way to get it back to some kind of defined curl is to wet it and start again.

So when I got out of the shower today I brushed it back, rather than in to a side parting, and put it roughly where I thought I would want it. I let it dry naturally with a little curl defining spray on it. While wet, I twirled the curls in my fingers so that they formed loose ringlets and let it dry.

When it was nearly dry I experimented with a hair band but it was too tight. I need to get something looser otherwise my head looks too flat!

Instead I clipped a chunk of hair back loosely. You can see a few whisps of grey on the temples and around the hairline. But I don't mind that.

I've also piled on the make up. I don't want to look or feel like I've let myself go or that I don't care how I look.

If there is time today I'm going to buy some bits for my hair - clips, hair bands, scarves - so I can try new styles as the grey gets longer than I've let it get before.

I've also ordered some products recommended by Lauren at How Bourgeois for covering grey when you've got a special event. I will review those too and let you know how they work with curls.

So that's me for today. More soon!

Welcome to my blog!

This is me. 

And this is the point at which I normally reach for the bottle of dye. Can you see a bit of grey around my temples? This happens every couple of weeks. Then a stripe of silver appears on top of my head. And then...well, I don't know. I've never allowed it to get further than that. 

I've been thinking about going grey for at least a year. Many things put me off.

Firstly I'm known, in part, for having big, black, curly hair. It's my trademark.

Secondly, I worried it would make me look or feel old.

Thirdly, I was worried about what other people would think.

Does any of this sound familiar? I hope so.

So, why have I changed my mind? There are a few reasons.

The first is that I am a keynote speaker and I am always talking about being yourself when I stand on the stage. I challenge people to strip back the layers of pretense and show people who they are. It is a double standard if I don't do that myself. I feel I'm hiding who I really am every time I cover my grey.

The second reason is that I try to be healthy and tread lightly on the planet. All the chemicals I'm putting on my head don't feel right. 

Finally I have support. Not everyone in your life is going to think going grey is a good idea. Certainly there are plenty of people in my life who've advised against it. But the people I live with and that I love are really up for doing this journey with me. OK, maybe I should have been able to do it without that. But it helps.

You will have your own reasons. Maybe you're further down the road than me and can share some experiences to help me. Maybe you're just thinking and want to see what it's been like for other people. 

To be honest, I don't think being grey is going to be particularly hard. I think the journey to grey is going to be hard. It will take a long time, there will be a long "in between" time. Will I give up? Will I see it through? At this point I don't know.

Let's see! And thanks for joining me. It helps!