Bad Hair Day

On every journey there is a moment at which you accept the call to adventure - you take a bold action from which there is no going back. Well, you can often go back but there would be consequences, even if those are just having to admit to others that you chickened out.

Shortly after accepting the call to adventure you want to go back though. It always happens. Just think about any change you've undertaken. There's always that moment of regret - "What have I done?". It's what Joseph Campbell called The Belly of the Whale. When we accept the call to adventure we don't really know what we are accepting. By its nature, the journey is one in to the unknown. If we knew what to expect it wouldn't be much of an adventure.

So, we soon come up against the first major, unforeseen challenge.

I had mine last week.

As you probably know, I make my living in part out of speaking about leadership. This means that, every week, a different audience see me for the first time. Sometimes they've seen my publicity photos, in which I am dark haired.  But whether they have or haven't, I now turn up with a great big grey patch on the top of my head.

Whether they are expecting it or not, it's quite clearly there.

I've been wearing it like this, pulled off my face, as it seemed until recently like the most flattering option. But I don't much like this style. I like my hair big and curly, not slicked back. And the grey is at a funny length. Clearly intentional now but still at a very early stage. Anyway, I felt very self-conscious last week and I was contemplating going to the hairdresser and getting a tonne of it cut off. It would still be largely black but I would be able to wear it loose and maybe it would look better.

But before taking such a dramatic decision I consulted the experts. I've joined a Facebook group called Gray and Proud (form a fist everyone, punch the air and shout "Gray Pride"!). Everyone there is going grey or is already grey. They talk about their experiences and offer advice and support to each other. Some have gone for the buzz cut approach (just whip all the coloured hair off upfront and then grow through the rest completely from the roots). Others have gone short but not THAT short. And others have kept it long and slowly grown the grey longer and longer without really changing the style dramatically.

I explained my situation. I explained how long it had taken me to get the hair long and how transitioning to grey was something I had anticipated, but getting used to having short hair might be a transition too far. I also explained how important it is that I make a good, professional impression.

The feedback was hugely varied. Everyone had different ideas and different approaches. Above all though everyone was kind and encouraging. Unlike some social media groups, this group has never, that I've noticed, been unkind or unsupportive to anyone.

Having read the replies and taken notice of my gut feel responses I decided not to cut it all off. Instead I will have some trimmed off and give the roots 6 months to really take hold. Then I will consider whether to take the length a bit shorter.

In the meantime I also checked Pinterest and saw some different ways of styling it now the greys are that much longer. With every changing root length I will need to adapt. What looked good at 1 month doesn't look good at 2 months.

From a more philosophical perspective though here are some observations -

1. Any change puts us, at some point, in the belly of the whale. The best way out is to seek input and support from allies - friends, aquaintances, experts - who will be kind yet honest.
2. While the direction of travel doesn't change, the strategy to get there will need to adapt over time. Sometimes a radical change in strategy might seem like the best approach, but often just a little shift left or right of your original plans is enough.
3. Others have gone before you. Take inspiration from them. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Don't be afraid to copy others if their circumstances and yours are similar.
4. This too will pass. A day or two later, having adjusted the position of my parting, I was happy again and proud of my lovely silver roots.

Keep going with whatever change you are currently undertaking. And always remember - you don't have to do this alone.

Product review - Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie

I love products. In fact, I have so many that I'm having a man come around and build me more storage for them.

But I only use a few. Up until recently I used L'Oreal Curl Power mousse but they stopped making it. Now you can buy it on the black market for about £30 a pop. I have indulged but it isn't a long term solution.

Anyway, I've found a replacement. And it's this -

My new favourite hair product

It's totally different to a mousse. It's like putting conditioner on dry/damp hair. It feels wrong. And it smells a bit weird. Some people say they like the smell but I think it's a bit pukey. Don't let that put you off though! It doesn't smell like that when it's on your hair, just when it's a big lump in the palm of your hand.

I rub it between my palms and then apply it thinly all over the hair, especially the ends. Then I start twirling the hair to make riglets. I then leave it to dry.

Once it's pretty dry I either run my fingers through the hair to break up the curls a bit or blast it with the hairdryer. The curls stay lovely and defined but the main thing is that the hair doesn't frizz up. With mousse, the more you touch the hair during the day the more it gets frizzy and dry. It goes rather stiff in fact and loses it's bounce.

But with this smoothie it stays bouncy and soft all day. I think the general condition of my hair is better as a result of using this product which I can't say about most styling products.

I should point out that it was recommended by Lauren at How Bourgeois. I do pretty much everything she says so it doesn't surprise me that this is a brilliant product if you are curly, and probably if you are also curly and grey. Grey hair needs moisture and this thing seems to moisturize it all day. Must be good. It's also made with natural ingredients so if you are not dying your hair because you are worried about chemicals, it gets points here too.

If you've used this product and want to add your opinions, please go ahead. And if you have alternatives, let me know. I can add them to the pile of things to go in the new storage unit!

My Instagram Introduction

Here's something I wasn't expecting.

It turns out that there's a whole subculture I haven't been part of - Instagram - and a whole sub-subculture I never knew existed: women in their 40s who love clothes and hair and other pretty things. And now I'm part of it too.

I've always loved fashion, believe it or not. I've been an Elle Magazine subscriber for years and love to flick through the pages learning about trends and designers. But, although I'm not un-stylish, I've never invested much time in my "look"

So here's the weird thing. As my hair changes I need to pay attention to it. I can't just wear it the same way every day because it keeps changing and what looked fine yesterday, doesn't look good today. This applies to my clothes too. My colouring is changing so I've been adapting my clothes and makeup.

When you have black hair and wear an all black outfit you have one look. When you wear an all black outfit with greying hair, it looks very different. You have to ask yourself whether that's the look you were going for!

Which brings me to Instagram. I'm finding some fantastic role models - real women in their 40s who try different looks and share them with their followers. I've started doing the same, not because I'm looking for "likes" but because it is forcing me out of my comfort zone. When you know you are going to post a photo of yourself in today's outfit, you take a bit more care putting it together.

The big trends with women my age are:
Scarves - they add colour around the face and often provide a contrasting pattern which is very current.
Jackets - they provide a bit of structure and when you add a t-shirt and jeans give you a great silhouette
Great shoes - I can't walk in high heels but if you can they can really be a highlight if the rest of the ensemble is a bit plain. For me, it's often boots and, if you check out my Instagram profile, you'll see that I just invested in some new ones for autumn
Pattern - stripes are very popular. But so is animal print, zigzags and checks. In fact, anything goes really and combining two patterns in one outfit goes down very well with followers!

If you search #styleover40, #40plusstyle, #growingoldgracefully, #fashionover40 or just #whatimwearingtoday (if you fancy pot luck!) you'll find some great people. I'm particularly inspired by @catoinamsterdam, @fashiononthe4thfloor, @mymidlifefashion, @josidley and @themrsrigby. But I'm already following 213 people and I rarely see anything I don't love! These are people having fun and feeling great. And I am now one of them!

If you want to find me look up @blairelyspalmer or go here https://instagram.com/blairelyspalmer/ 

See you there!

I am officially obsessed!

I looked in a mirror about 15 times yesterday evening. Any excuse to go in to the hall or downstairs WC was taken advantage off for a quick look-see at my hair.

Apparently no one else really notices the sparkly silver roots that are all over the top of my head and around the sides. However, their appearance has caused me to purchase 5 headbands, 6 new hair clips, 2 new hair styling products and to experiment with a variety of new hair dos (and don'ts).

Little sparkly roots...see?

I know that the novelty will wear off - probably the longer my roots get the shorter my patience with this topic will get - but for now it is my obsession. I scour Pinterest every evening looking for more silver vixens, I research what colours will look good with different types of grey hair, I look at women (and men) in the street who are grey or going grey and wonder how they decided and when they decided or whether they didn't decide and are just having a few weeks of feeling slummy.

I watched a video yesterday about a women who has written a book about going grey and reflected that she didn't really look grey, and how I hope after all this preparation and blogging and purchasing of products I am VERY grey underneath. Otherwise it's all a bit of a let down.

And now I am blogging about the fact that very little is happening as a way of making it feel like something is happening.

I'm a go-getter (I think that's what they call people like me. I'm also can-do. And a control freak. I'm basically your biggest nightmare). So when I decide to do something I do it. But you can't make your hair grow any faster than it's going to grow. I'm sure there is food you can eat and supplements you can take but fundamentally hair does its own thing and it does it very slowly.

My boyfriend observed that my excitement about my sprigs of grey was akin to the excitement you get when you notice that your seeds have sprouted in the garden. You put them in the ground, you watered them but a part of you never really believed that anything was going to happen. Then, one day, you went outside and their little heads were peeping above the earth, still wearing their little seed-head hats and you thought how amazing it was and how fantastic you were for making that happen (even though you did very little except add water).

The difference is that every time you look at your seedlings they are bigger. They have 2 leaves, then 4. Then you don't check them for a couple of days and they grow huge while your back is turned. Often, within weeks, you have something with a flower or a leaf you can eat.

But my hair will take months if not years to bear fruit (if you can excuse the analogy). And I can't imagine that a couple of days will go by without me looking at it only to be hit with the surprise about how much it has grown. Not if I keep checking the mirror every half an hour anyway.

The life lesson here is probably something to do with patience, something to do with letting go of needing to control and direct everything, letting go of the belief that my sheer force of will can make something happen faster than nature desires. And maybe it's too soon to take lessons from it. In plant terms I've still got my little seed-head hat on. And, until there's really something to see here I should probably find myself a better hobby than checking the mirror.

Dying your hair doesn't mean you aren't going to die...

At dinner with a client the other night I revealed my age. The response came back "I never would have guessed! Really. You look a lot younger!"

Of course it's a lovely thing to say. But it's also probably true to an extent.

Most women in their mid-40s actually look wonderful these days. It's very hard to tell someone's age. We are healthy and vibrant and fulfilled in our lives and our work. We have had relatively easy lives compared with our grandparents and great grandparents. We've worked in offices and had mod cons to help us around the house rather than doing tough physical work all day and night. So our hands are nice, are faces are pretty smooth and our bodies aren't wrecked.

This is what I wore to dinner - a headband to cover my emerging greys -

Oh, I'm 45.

Yes, I'm a bit puffy under the eyes! But you know what really helps me look younger than my age (and helps many women in their 40s)?

Hair dye.

So here's the thought that went through my head when I was told I looked young:

"People are going to stop saying that soon".

Because dark hair is associated with youth whilst grey hair is associated with old age.

I must admit I had a wobble. Am I prepared for no one to ever tell me I look younger than my age again? (Or until I'm a glamorous 65 years old silver vixen who looks like a glamorous 60 year old silver vixen!)

But then I had another thought:

"Why is looking young the compliment we desire above all else? Why is it more important than looking wise? Or credible? Or bold and brave?"

I thought of going back to dying my hair in order to look younger and rejected it immediately. I may look younger with dark hair but I'm not younger. I'm 45. I love my life. I'm happier now than I ever was at 40 or 35 and certainly happier than I was at 25. I prefer who I am now. And that's happened because of the lesson's I've learned from life. Why would I want to look as if I hadn't had long enough to learn those lessons?

I'm certainly not the first to make the observation that we live in a society obsessed with youth. But just because you look younger, doesn't mean you are younger. You're not any further away from death just because you dye your hair. Dying your hair doesn't mean you aren't going to die.  

Far more important than looking young, for me, is looking like I feel; expressing who I am through what I wear. I am out-going, positive, independent and pretty cool. My "look" should be out-going, positive, independent and pretty cool. If that means I go grey and then put a purple stripe in my hair because that feels authentic, so be it. But trying to convince the world that I'm younger than I am feels like a lot of energy directed in the wrong place.

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!" - Hunter S Thompson

 

Dearly De-parted

I know it's awful. This is what I saw in the mirror this morning.

No, I'm not going bald (on top of everything else!). That is my "skunk stripe".

In a way, I'm pleased. It's started. In another way, you can see just how much contrast there is between my dark, dyed hair and the real colour.

So I need to get experimenting.

The first step, I think, is to get rid of the parting. That's just highlighting The Area. So I've tried a couple of styles today all related to pulling the hair back.

Curly hair is different to straight hair. You can't play with it. If you touch it too much, move it this way and that, try new things all at one go you end up looking like a poodle. It gets frizzy, the curls break down, the shine disappears and it's impossible to do anything with it. The only way to get it back to some kind of defined curl is to wet it and start again.

So when I got out of the shower today I brushed it back, rather than in to a side parting, and put it roughly where I thought I would want it. I let it dry naturally with a little curl defining spray on it. While wet, I twirled the curls in my fingers so that they formed loose ringlets and let it dry.

When it was nearly dry I experimented with a hair band but it was too tight. I need to get something looser otherwise my head looks too flat!

Instead I clipped a chunk of hair back loosely. You can see a few whisps of grey on the temples and around the hairline. But I don't mind that.

I've also piled on the make up. I don't want to look or feel like I've let myself go or that I don't care how I look.

If there is time today I'm going to buy some bits for my hair - clips, hair bands, scarves - so I can try new styles as the grey gets longer than I've let it get before.

I've also ordered some products recommended by Lauren at How Bourgeois for covering grey when you've got a special event. I will review those too and let you know how they work with curls.

So that's me for today. More soon!

Welcome to my blog!

This is me. 

And this is the point at which I normally reach for the bottle of dye. Can you see a bit of grey around my temples? This happens every couple of weeks. Then a stripe of silver appears on top of my head. And then...well, I don't know. I've never allowed it to get further than that. 

I've been thinking about going grey for at least a year. Many things put me off.

Firstly I'm known, in part, for having big, black, curly hair. It's my trademark.

Secondly, I worried it would make me look or feel old.

Thirdly, I was worried about what other people would think.

Does any of this sound familiar? I hope so.

So, why have I changed my mind? There are a few reasons.

The first is that I am a keynote speaker and I am always talking about being yourself when I stand on the stage. I challenge people to strip back the layers of pretense and show people who they are. It is a double standard if I don't do that myself. I feel I'm hiding who I really am every time I cover my grey.

The second reason is that I try to be healthy and tread lightly on the planet. All the chemicals I'm putting on my head don't feel right. 

Finally I have support. Not everyone in your life is going to think going grey is a good idea. Certainly there are plenty of people in my life who've advised against it. But the people I live with and that I love are really up for doing this journey with me. OK, maybe I should have been able to do it without that. But it helps.

You will have your own reasons. Maybe you're further down the road than me and can share some experiences to help me. Maybe you're just thinking and want to see what it's been like for other people. 

To be honest, I don't think being grey is going to be particularly hard. I think the journey to grey is going to be hard. It will take a long time, there will be a long "in between" time. Will I give up? Will I see it through? At this point I don't know.

Let's see! And thanks for joining me. It helps!