What kind of Grey Girl are you?

My old clothes look wrong.

What I mean is that the things I used to wear for work were picked with black hair in mind. Not only to complement the colour but to "collude" with the colour. I had a particular image of myself and the black hair was part of it. The clothes I wore were part of the same image.

But now my hair is grey. It's a different image. It says something. Yup. My hair is speaking for me.

So I realised that I needed to change my style to reflect what my hair is saying. (If you think this is weird, just imagine giving yourself a radically different style hair or, more one for the guys, growing a wacky style of facial hair, and then imagine continuing to wear the same clothes as now...Your hair and your clothes would conflict. You might like that contrast but it would be a contrast that did not exist before you radically changed your coiffure. It would be new. Your hair would have spoken for you).

Granny Hair

Granny Hair
One look you can go for is the "I've let myself go, I wear bed jackets now and shuffle about in slippers all day complaining about the young people". When I originally told people I was going to let my colour grow out I think some of them thought this is what I had in mind. But while I don't judge those who've decided to go this route, it was never on my list of options.

Devil Wears Grey

Devil Wears Grey
A far more popular option is to go sharp and slick, like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. It's a lot of black, a touch of animal print, great shoes and bags and a sharp hair style. Curly hair is never going to be sharp. So The Devil Wears Grey look isn't for me.

Grey Hippy

Grey Hippy
A contender is the hippy look. Take a lot of hemp-based fabric, a tonne of beads and bangles, something a bit weird like a waistcoat or those trousers where the gusset hangs lower than your knees and zero makeup and you've got the basis of A Look. This is cool for me at festivals but won't work for work so it's never going to be my uniform.

Glamour Grey

Glamour Grey

This is a fab look. Similar to the Devil Wears Grey but less severe, this is a classic look - great slacks,  perfect make-up, big hair. It's rich and timeless and chic. So nothing like me then. Moving on...

Wild Grey

Wild Grey

Love this look. It says "I'm grey and I don't give a flying fig what you think about me. I will wear hot pink, I will wear statement t-shirts, I will wear massive orange glasses, I will add mohair and head-dresses and a massive ring made of green glass and I will buy it all from vintage shops, Oxfam and flea markets". As an emerging clothing upcycler, there are bits of this look I'm incorporating - upcycled denim jacket adorned with lace and gems, headscarves, bits of costume jewellery. But you won't catch me in pink mohair much as I admire those who are bold enough to adopt this style. 

Mirren Grey

Mirren Grey

Now we're getting close. Helen Mirren is such a cool dude. She can be glam one day and a punk the next. She wears what she fancies but always seems to stay true to who she is. Increasingly I'm looking to people like Mirren for my fashion inspiration - a bit of leather, a broken down t-shirt, a big coat and a "don't even think about it" look in my eye. The Mirren Grey isn't old or ageing, it's maturing like a great cheese or a fancy bottle of red. It just gets better and better...and it knows it!

Rocker Grey

Rocker Grey

This is my number one choice. Grey hair and the rock chick look are a natural combination. There's something inherently rock and roll for me about grey hair - it is counter-culture, individual, jump on your Harley and drive very slowly through some dusty town. Denim looks great with grey as do t-shirts especially rock band and tour t-shirts a la Mirren). The rocker look is strident and confident. Nothing "little old lady" about it. And it is authentic. In my teens and 20s I sang in rock bands, I'm a massive music fan and I still turn the volume right up on the radio and rock out when Blondie comes on. The great thing about this look is you can turn the volume up or down on it too - t-shirt and blazer for work, t-shirt and leather for after work; natural make-up for day, heavy eyeliner for night; your best jeans for meetings, your ripped jeans for the pub. 

Of course, you don't have to choose a look. You can wear what you've always worn. You can mix and match between the styles here and any others you like. And that's what's happening to me - I have hippy days and rock days and nondescript days where I wouldn't even want to give my "look" a name.

But Grey Hair is liberating. It's telling the world something about what's important to you, who you really are inside. Rather than your hair being a mask, your hair becomes a true expression of your self. Might as well enjoy wearing clothes that do the same thing.

Going grey isn't about going grey

Turns out, going grey isn't terribly interesting. I mean, it might be if you're in to hair products and beauty regimes. But, frankly, one reason for letting the grey come through is that I don't actually enjoy spending my waking hours fussing over my hair.

It is true that I take more interest in the products I use now than I used to but that's because grey hair can easily look rubbish. The wrong cut, dry or brittle random hairs sprouting out of your head at weird angles, or just a bad case of bedhead can give the impression that you have lost it. So there is some work to do. But it's a balancing act. It's important not to let your grey hair rule your life. 

So the actual process of my hair coming out of my head a different colour than I'm used to isn't fascinating. But there is a lot of inner debate going on for me and others doing this that is more important.

Obviously, there's our society's attitude to ageing. A big concern for women going grey is "will it make me look old?"  I get that concern of course. So, on forums and in comments, we reassure each other that it doesn't make us look old. But there's also a bigger question - why are we so worried about looking old (or older)?  Who says that being 20 or 30 is prime and anything else is the upward or downward slope? What if it's all an upward slope towards wisdom, hagdom, the proud ending of our story? After all, novels don't have the key scenes in the first third of the book and the rest is a sorry, slippery slope? They build. Why not apply the same logic to life? In which case, grey hair and ageing is a sign of progress and fulfilment of potential.

Next, there is the inner dialogue about what others will think of us. I recently cut off quite a lot of the black colour remaining so, to me, I look much greyer this week than last week. No one else has noticed because, frankly, no one else cares. Not in a bad way. It's just that my hair isn't as important to them as it is to me. They don't know every curl like I do. Anyway, since chopping off more black, I feel people will see me differently than they would have a week ago. Will strangers in the street think "she'd look a lot better if she dyed her hair?" or will they think "what a brave decision" or "what a pretty colour" or "I hope I look like that when I'm old"...?

At one level I clearly care otherwise I wouldn't having these little conversations with myself. On the other hand it's to good to know I don't care all that much. If I did I would have carried on dying it. And if I don't care that much what people think about my hair I probably don't care that much what people think of me generally. This strikes me as a good thing. Yes, I want to be considerate and respectful and kind and to empathise. But I don't want to pretzel myself in to weird shapes for other people. Turns out I'm not as pretzely as I thought I was. 

And the third little conversation is about how commonly we look but don't see he person we are looking at. So many of my "Silver Sisters" have been asked whether they want to senior discount, whether they are their child's grandparent, whether they would like a seat on the bus despite being in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. No one really looked at them. They saw grey. They saw elderly. We do this all the time. We don't really see people. We glance, we assume, we judge. By the way, this is particularly unacceptable if you work in a customer facing role. You aren't just there to take the money and put it in the til. You're there to make shopping, or travelling or providing information to the public a more human experience. That should mean eye contact, a smile and a bit of good manners when it comes to how you relate to those you are serving. 

Whenever you make a change, or a change happens to you, you become super-aware of that quality in others. One of your false nails fallen off? You're obsessed with other people's nails. Got a spot? You search other people's faces for blemishes better or worse than yours. And what you notice is that everyone is different, everyone has their own stuff going on. And none of it seems as bad to you as it does to them. The lesson - go easy on yourself, go easy on other people. We are all in this together! 

Walking in to rooms with transitioning hair...

Hi folks!

I'm 4 months in to the transition now so I'm getting used to the fact that I look like a tabby cat - a bit grey, a bit brown, a bit black. But while I've had a chance to get used to it, many people have not.

In my job I have to walk in to a lot of rooms filled with people I don't know or people I haven't seen in a long time.

And this presents me with a dilemma. Do I explain what's going on with my hair or don't I?

Here's what I'm doing so far -

With a new crowd e.g. the audience at one of my speeches, or a team I'm working with for the first time, I say nothing. Of course, in my head I've got a lot of chatter going on. "Do they think I'm weird? Do they think I've let myself go? Do they think I look terrible? Do they think I somehow don't realise what's going on up there, that I have somehow failed to notice?"

But aloud I say nothing.

With people I do know but haven't seen for a while, I ask them what they think. This has been interesting. One girl said "Why? Have you done something different?". One guy told me he liked it but he'd need to get used to me looking so different. Another told me he liked the grey but the style made me look like a teacher. I told him to stay behind after and see me.

And occasionally people will be upfront and ask me about it before I've decided whether to say something or not. My neighbour asked me if I was letting it grow out and then confided that maybe she would as well as she loved the way it looked on me so much that it was giving her ideas!

I also have the issue with "false advertising". My photos are all over the internet. You can check if you like. Google me.

And in all of them I have dark hair.

Then I turn up to an event and I look like this -

Me this morning with my hair in a side "bun"

I feel like one of those people who post a photo of themselves 20 years younger on a dating website and when they turn up on the date are unrecognisable. It's not that I'm ashamed, I just haven't got around to having new photos done. But that's about to change. A photographer has been booked so I'm going to be out of the closet very soon ONLINE! Meanwhile though, I will have to try to avoid the searching looks people give me when they cross-reference my biog photo with what stands before them.

There is an upside though. Many people worry about looking older with grey hair. And that crosses my mind too. Is it weird to wear my hair as I am today in a bun on the side of my head like a kooky kid? Should I go more "Judy Dench"? Well, I have no plans to do that. But at the same time, I wonder if my hair colour gives me gravitas? As a short person (5'1" or 5'2" on a good day with heels!) I often feel colleagues and clients towering above me and wonder if, somehow, this undermines what I have to say.

But the grey hair seems to balance that out. I'm not a little girl speaking, I'm a little woman. Over the last few months I've felt even braver about being direct and straight-speaking (and I was pretty brave before!). There are no excuses not to now.

I mean, if you don't feel self-confident about having your voice heard by the time you are going grey, when are you going to? 

It shouldn't require going grey to create this kind of confidence, of course. There's no reason not to be confident in yourself when you are young, and there's no reason to lack confidence just because you are short...or tall...or a woman...or [insert your own insecurity here]...

But sometimes our bodies remind us that none of us is getting younger. We can see that as a tragedy or we can see it as a gift. It's easy to forget how far you've come, how much you've been through, how much you've learned. But if a few grey hairs (or a head full of grey hairs) remind you and give you the strength to go out in to a room believing you have something to offer, then you might as well use it to your advantage.

I know I am!
  

Bad Hair Day

On every journey there is a moment at which you accept the call to adventure - you take a bold action from which there is no going back. Well, you can often go back but there would be consequences, even if those are just having to admit to others that you chickened out.

Shortly after accepting the call to adventure you want to go back though. It always happens. Just think about any change you've undertaken. There's always that moment of regret - "What have I done?". It's what Joseph Campbell called The Belly of the Whale. When we accept the call to adventure we don't really know what we are accepting. By its nature, the journey is one in to the unknown. If we knew what to expect it wouldn't be much of an adventure.

So, we soon come up against the first major, unforeseen challenge.

I had mine last week.

As you probably know, I make my living in part out of speaking about leadership. This means that, every week, a different audience see me for the first time. Sometimes they've seen my publicity photos, in which I am dark haired.  But whether they have or haven't, I now turn up with a great big grey patch on the top of my head.

Whether they are expecting it or not, it's quite clearly there.

I've been wearing it like this, pulled off my face, as it seemed until recently like the most flattering option. But I don't much like this style. I like my hair big and curly, not slicked back. And the grey is at a funny length. Clearly intentional now but still at a very early stage. Anyway, I felt very self-conscious last week and I was contemplating going to the hairdresser and getting a tonne of it cut off. It would still be largely black but I would be able to wear it loose and maybe it would look better.

But before taking such a dramatic decision I consulted the experts. I've joined a Facebook group called Gray and Proud (form a fist everyone, punch the air and shout "Gray Pride"!). Everyone there is going grey or is already grey. They talk about their experiences and offer advice and support to each other. Some have gone for the buzz cut approach (just whip all the coloured hair off upfront and then grow through the rest completely from the roots). Others have gone short but not THAT short. And others have kept it long and slowly grown the grey longer and longer without really changing the style dramatically.

I explained my situation. I explained how long it had taken me to get the hair long and how transitioning to grey was something I had anticipated, but getting used to having short hair might be a transition too far. I also explained how important it is that I make a good, professional impression.

The feedback was hugely varied. Everyone had different ideas and different approaches. Above all though everyone was kind and encouraging. Unlike some social media groups, this group has never, that I've noticed, been unkind or unsupportive to anyone.

Having read the replies and taken notice of my gut feel responses I decided not to cut it all off. Instead I will have some trimmed off and give the roots 6 months to really take hold. Then I will consider whether to take the length a bit shorter.

In the meantime I also checked Pinterest and saw some different ways of styling it now the greys are that much longer. With every changing root length I will need to adapt. What looked good at 1 month doesn't look good at 2 months.

From a more philosophical perspective though here are some observations -

1. Any change puts us, at some point, in the belly of the whale. The best way out is to seek input and support from allies - friends, aquaintances, experts - who will be kind yet honest.
2. While the direction of travel doesn't change, the strategy to get there will need to adapt over time. Sometimes a radical change in strategy might seem like the best approach, but often just a little shift left or right of your original plans is enough.
3. Others have gone before you. Take inspiration from them. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Don't be afraid to copy others if their circumstances and yours are similar.
4. This too will pass. A day or two later, having adjusted the position of my parting, I was happy again and proud of my lovely silver roots.

Keep going with whatever change you are currently undertaking. And always remember - you don't have to do this alone.

Product review - Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie

I love products. In fact, I have so many that I'm having a man come around and build me more storage for them.

But I only use a few. Up until recently I used L'Oreal Curl Power mousse but they stopped making it. Now you can buy it on the black market for about £30 a pop. I have indulged but it isn't a long term solution.

Anyway, I've found a replacement. And it's this -

My new favourite hair product

It's totally different to a mousse. It's like putting conditioner on dry/damp hair. It feels wrong. And it smells a bit weird. Some people say they like the smell but I think it's a bit pukey. Don't let that put you off though! It doesn't smell like that when it's on your hair, just when it's a big lump in the palm of your hand.

I rub it between my palms and then apply it thinly all over the hair, especially the ends. Then I start twirling the hair to make riglets. I then leave it to dry.

Once it's pretty dry I either run my fingers through the hair to break up the curls a bit or blast it with the hairdryer. The curls stay lovely and defined but the main thing is that the hair doesn't frizz up. With mousse, the more you touch the hair during the day the more it gets frizzy and dry. It goes rather stiff in fact and loses it's bounce.

But with this smoothie it stays bouncy and soft all day. I think the general condition of my hair is better as a result of using this product which I can't say about most styling products.

I should point out that it was recommended by Lauren at How Bourgeois. I do pretty much everything she says so it doesn't surprise me that this is a brilliant product if you are curly, and probably if you are also curly and grey. Grey hair needs moisture and this thing seems to moisturize it all day. Must be good. It's also made with natural ingredients so if you are not dying your hair because you are worried about chemicals, it gets points here too.

If you've used this product and want to add your opinions, please go ahead. And if you have alternatives, let me know. I can add them to the pile of things to go in the new storage unit!

My Instagram Introduction

Here's something I wasn't expecting.

It turns out that there's a whole subculture I haven't been part of - Instagram - and a whole sub-subculture I never knew existed: women in their 40s who love clothes and hair and other pretty things. And now I'm part of it too.

I've always loved fashion, believe it or not. I've been an Elle Magazine subscriber for years and love to flick through the pages learning about trends and designers. But, although I'm not un-stylish, I've never invested much time in my "look"

So here's the weird thing. As my hair changes I need to pay attention to it. I can't just wear it the same way every day because it keeps changing and what looked fine yesterday, doesn't look good today. This applies to my clothes too. My colouring is changing so I've been adapting my clothes and makeup.

When you have black hair and wear an all black outfit you have one look. When you wear an all black outfit with greying hair, it looks very different. You have to ask yourself whether that's the look you were going for!

Which brings me to Instagram. I'm finding some fantastic role models - real women in their 40s who try different looks and share them with their followers. I've started doing the same, not because I'm looking for "likes" but because it is forcing me out of my comfort zone. When you know you are going to post a photo of yourself in today's outfit, you take a bit more care putting it together.

The big trends with women my age are:
Scarves - they add colour around the face and often provide a contrasting pattern which is very current.
Jackets - they provide a bit of structure and when you add a t-shirt and jeans give you a great silhouette
Great shoes - I can't walk in high heels but if you can they can really be a highlight if the rest of the ensemble is a bit plain. For me, it's often boots and, if you check out my Instagram profile, you'll see that I just invested in some new ones for autumn
Pattern - stripes are very popular. But so is animal print, zigzags and checks. In fact, anything goes really and combining two patterns in one outfit goes down very well with followers!

If you search #styleover40, #40plusstyle, #growingoldgracefully, #fashionover40 or just #whatimwearingtoday (if you fancy pot luck!) you'll find some great people. I'm particularly inspired by @catoinamsterdam, @fashiononthe4thfloor, @mymidlifefashion, @josidley and @themrsrigby. But I'm already following 213 people and I rarely see anything I don't love! These are people having fun and feeling great. And I am now one of them!

If you want to find me look up @blairelyspalmer or go here https://instagram.com/blairelyspalmer/ 

See you there!

I am officially obsessed!

I looked in a mirror about 15 times yesterday evening. Any excuse to go in to the hall or downstairs WC was taken advantage off for a quick look-see at my hair.

Apparently no one else really notices the sparkly silver roots that are all over the top of my head and around the sides. However, their appearance has caused me to purchase 5 headbands, 6 new hair clips, 2 new hair styling products and to experiment with a variety of new hair dos (and don'ts).

Little sparkly roots...see?

I know that the novelty will wear off - probably the longer my roots get the shorter my patience with this topic will get - but for now it is my obsession. I scour Pinterest every evening looking for more silver vixens, I research what colours will look good with different types of grey hair, I look at women (and men) in the street who are grey or going grey and wonder how they decided and when they decided or whether they didn't decide and are just having a few weeks of feeling slummy.

I watched a video yesterday about a women who has written a book about going grey and reflected that she didn't really look grey, and how I hope after all this preparation and blogging and purchasing of products I am VERY grey underneath. Otherwise it's all a bit of a let down.

And now I am blogging about the fact that very little is happening as a way of making it feel like something is happening.

I'm a go-getter (I think that's what they call people like me. I'm also can-do. And a control freak. I'm basically your biggest nightmare). So when I decide to do something I do it. But you can't make your hair grow any faster than it's going to grow. I'm sure there is food you can eat and supplements you can take but fundamentally hair does its own thing and it does it very slowly.

My boyfriend observed that my excitement about my sprigs of grey was akin to the excitement you get when you notice that your seeds have sprouted in the garden. You put them in the ground, you watered them but a part of you never really believed that anything was going to happen. Then, one day, you went outside and their little heads were peeping above the earth, still wearing their little seed-head hats and you thought how amazing it was and how fantastic you were for making that happen (even though you did very little except add water).

The difference is that every time you look at your seedlings they are bigger. They have 2 leaves, then 4. Then you don't check them for a couple of days and they grow huge while your back is turned. Often, within weeks, you have something with a flower or a leaf you can eat.

But my hair will take months if not years to bear fruit (if you can excuse the analogy). And I can't imagine that a couple of days will go by without me looking at it only to be hit with the surprise about how much it has grown. Not if I keep checking the mirror every half an hour anyway.

The life lesson here is probably something to do with patience, something to do with letting go of needing to control and direct everything, letting go of the belief that my sheer force of will can make something happen faster than nature desires. And maybe it's too soon to take lessons from it. In plant terms I've still got my little seed-head hat on. And, until there's really something to see here I should probably find myself a better hobby than checking the mirror.